A Dirty Protest

The company that runs Melbourne's reliably tardy city rail network is called Metro Trains. They have a handy, accessible and, one would assume, popular complaints hotline - details of which can be found here. I say this principally for the benefit of the person responsible for the extravagantly large human turd which was freshly laid on the floor of our train carriage at some point today.

I appreciate that you, Sir or Madam, share the frustrations of your fellow travellers at Metro's mostly inept service, however if I may speak on behalf of those of us who had the dubious pleasure of seeing and smelling your magnificent (though none-the-less revolting) foot-long log, I would like to suggest that you curtail any future dirty protests against Metro you may have planned and just send an ineffective email for them to ignore like a normal person. Much obliged.

Whilst in some ways I have admiration for you as the poopertrator of what was no doubt a rather public and acrobatic undertaking (I for one find standing on these trains a challenge at times, given the lack of proper hand holds) I will qualify this by saying I am still haunted not only by the sight of your monstrous Richard III, but also by seeing the hopeful faces of my fellow commuters on spotting an empty bank of five seats quickly turn to horror as they discovered why.

Judging by the look on the driver's face as we alerted him to the presence of your not insignificant contribution to the public transport debate(one of weary resignation that his faith in humanity had been confirmed once again) I suspect you may may not get the credit you deserve from any resultant action by Metro Trains as a follow through of your Phantom of the Plopera activities. Still, I trust you feel relieved in more ways than one to have exercised your civil rights today.

(post script punchline: from Metro's actual Passenger Charter

The Metro Promise: What you can expect from Metro:

1. Clean, comfortable, safe and punctual rail travel

You couldn't make it up etc).